


Quite a Long List

by DoubtingRabbit



Category: Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Gun Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8614954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubtingRabbit/pseuds/DoubtingRabbit
Summary: What's better than sex? Mr. J can think of a few things. (Poor Thump.)





	

Nearly seven feet tall, three hundred pounds of street-bred muscle, and the full grown man--called 'Thump' by his comrades, and 'Francis Lee' by his mama--seemed taken aback at the question his boss just screeched at him.

"E-excuse me, s-suh-sir?" he sputtered.

"I  _said_ , what do you take me for?!"

Well, that was quite the loaded question. Thump had taken the man in full clown makeup and a violently purple suit for The Boss. One of the most dangerous, and lucrative, gangsters to work for in all of Gotham, in fact. He'd held his own in some rough gangs the last decade of his relatively short life, and so when Thump had achieved an invite to the Big Time from a good old boy he'd worked a couple of jobs with... he had joined right up.

His life was already dangerous, might make some of that crazy cash while he was at it, right?

And yeah sure it was stupid to speak when not spoken to, but Thump just figured that, yanno, if his last boss had gotten the crew their share of liquor, women, and partytime fun, the man would want first dibs on the best of each.

But when he'd offered a crack at what he figured was the cutest broad in the bunch to the Laughing Man himself … the wince from Bruno was enough to tell him he'd fucked up.

The look in Mr. J's big, wide, dead eyes was all he needed by way of confirmation.

"Uhh, I'd … you're--" Thump stopped, went blank. Jumped to again. "You're the boss."

"Yes! Good." The crazed gangster stalked forward with his broad shoulders hunched. "That's me. The head honcho. The big cheese! That's right, but,  _ who  _ am I?" 

"The uh, you're ... the Joker?"

"Haha! Exactly! THE Joker! So, if I wanted something, I would take it."

He felt relief as the Joker withdrew a gloved finger from his face, turned on his heel and, grandstanding to the warehouse full of dismembered mannequins behind them (part of some long forgotten plan to flood a department store at Christmas, he was told), let out that manic laugh in earnest.

"But you boys never need worry about me biting into your petty fun. My kicks come by other means!"

His mama always said his big mouth would get him killed someday, and he was pretty sure she was right, when Thump actually asked out loud, "Your kicks?"

There was a slight drop in the silhouette of the Joker's shoulders, and the barometric pressure in the room as everyone sucked in a breath.

When he turned back, his smile was painfully wide and his eyes dead gleaming in the colorful lights strung around them.

"Jollies! Bliss! Thrills! What you all want. Kiddie stuff!" He pushed over an untapped keg and set it rolling at the feet of his men as he walked towards them. "Public intoxication on restricted substances? Hah! Entry level shenanigans! Pyramid schemes and prostitution? Yuh-awn."

There was a cold trickle down his spine as he realized that the boss's dame had joined them, wide blue eyes watching the scene as it unfolded from where she perched on the emergency ladder and sliding down one side. Or maybe he'd only just realised it now and she'd been there like a ghost over his shoulder all along. She was creepy.

But the Joker continued.

"Let me tell you something,  _ Thumb _ , my boy."

Don't correct him.

"You wanna know what really … gets me  _ off? _ "

Don't confirm. Or deny. Like a rabbit in front of a wolf, Thump froze entirely and just lifted his brows.

All The Boss needed, it seemed.

"Candlelit bank robberies. Extortion over lakeshore picnics. Felony Assault and Battery on the beach. Grand Theft Auto by moonlight!" The trademark smile grew wider and the eyes somehow deader as he continued to tick his list off on his fingers with a manic giggle. And oh the Joker hopped up on a nearby barrel of God-knew-what and swung his spatted heels as he rambled on. "Tying up the phone with criminal threats for hours, and planning conspiracy to Commit Felony Mayhem while holding hands!"

"Toasting marshmallows over an orphanage fire!" chimed in the doll, with all her glee, and Thump felt his heart leap into his throat as he realized she was at his elbow. Only positive there is that kept the Joker's eyes off him and on her, which at least allowed his nuts to detract.

But now? The pair began to circle each other as they answered each other's calls, and Thump quickly realized he was no more safe as a tangent to their sicko flirting, than he was as the center of a single one's attention.

"Defacing government property with corrosive acid!" the Joker cackled!

"Champagne molotov cocktails!"

"Fireworks in the nursing home! Ha-HA!"

He swallowed.

She drew in close, but she was no more threatening than the chained hyenas in the background when the lead lion himself had you in his sights. That wild and dangerous smile filled his vision, was all that he could see, and Francis Lee Schaumbaum, Jr. tried his hardest not to wet his pants.

"Murder your annoyances, darling."

He didn't even see the comically large gun go off at level with his torso, but there was a snap reaction to the shot to the belly that made The Boss effervescently happy again.

Even as Thump crumpled to the warehouse floor, the Joker took up his humming dame's arm and waltzed back through the gunsmoke as though it were cigarette plumes in an underground dance hall.

"Go on, boys! Fun's on me!!"

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want to say that the B:tAS Mr. J is asexual, per se, as I'm sure there's plenty of canon to argue around that. I just posit that sex and romance would hold his interest for less than a second, especially if no violence or explosions were involved.


End file.
